Remember when you were in college and people would come by and you'd make them look at your high school yearbook? Do people still do that? Do they even still make yearbooks? (serious question). Do people still "come by"? Now that everything you do, from your first blowjob party to your first dozen experiences overdosing on adderall and molly, usually around 8th grade by now I'm guessing, is on your Tumblr and Facebook wall, yearbooks don't really seem necessary anymore do they?
The point is, that shit was boring as a bag of boring dicks. Here's me in, like, an old and funny looking shirt, you'd say. I wouldn't wear that particular style of shirt in this day and age, you'd laugh, and hope your friend would silently but outwardly be admiring your bold sense of self at such a young age, not to mention your handsome friends and myriad successful excursions in the world of MEANINGFUL HIGH SCHOOL activities, or else the exact opposite of all those things depending on your proximity to the prevailing cultural identity norm at the time. I was such a loser! I was so popular!
I bring all of that up because that is exactly what I'm about to do here. Turns out they've been digitizing all of the yearbooks from my high school, (SILVER LAKE REGIONAL HIGH SCHOOL CLASS OF 1995 YO) and I'm pretty excited about it, solely so I can figure out who all these bloated weirdos in vaguely familiar-looking alien skin suits that talk to me on Facebook are all the time.
And while I wouldn't normally subject anyone to that type of thing anymore, for some reason you perverts who read this blog seem to be somewhat interested in my stupid face and life, so let's do it anyway. Plus it will give us plenty of excuses to laugh at what a fucking dork I was, but also not laugh at what a dork I wasn't. Also I'm really old. :*(
I suppose we haven't really covered much about my high school life on here, which is weird because I incessantly talk about myself. I was kind of a contradiction, (via you guys just don't understand me.) On the one hand I was Johnny All American Popular Sports Ball Guy, but also somehow at the same time the alienated Kurt Cobain bro. You could be both things back then I guess. Consider my senior portrait below for evidence.
Would you look at this shit-eating Aryan Youth motherfucker? Nice Nirvana quote, dickhead. You think you're better than me? (I did.)
Am I wearing white suspenders in this picture, you might be asking yourself? (I am.) Wait, does it make me a pedo if I'm checking out chicks that I probably made out with when they were in high school while I was also in high school, but in the future? Gonna need a ruling on that one.
In case you think I was some sort of hardass football guy, keep in mind our team went like 2-38 my high school career. Maybe because I was too busy brooding and being sensitive and listening to Letters to Cleo and Juliana Hatfield to learn how to win at anything. I was basically Tim Riggins beta, except a lot less drunk.
SICK BLOCK DUDE.
This was the morning announcements crew. We did a TV show sort of thing. You will be surprised to learn I was a hacky comedian desperate for attention at all times from a young age. Also that I had so much hair at one point. Girl on my right was Michelle who I may or may not have been dating at the time. Not the actual Michelle and I actually married to now. Maybe just got a thing for that name? Also girls that are my friend's younger sister apparently. See also my college girlfriend for reference. Woh, that's the like three. An actual trend.
I guess I was involved in the school newspaper too, although I don't remember much of it. I do remember my first article I ever wrote was a proto-blog listicle type thing about the top 10 water fountains in the school. Sadly, that was probably me at the pinnacle of my talents. Been all down hill from there vis a vis meaningful writing.
Look at these fucking nerds. Don't remember most of these people, but that's me in the backpack and do-rag on the right with my old bestie Andy Macdonald. Hot bird in the front row is Katherine Wheelock. She went on to be a famous magazine editor kind of. I also dated her older sister. My first love. Man what the fuck is wrong with me via friend's sisters?
Here's a random page of people so you can get a taste of what the school was like (white).
Bottom left corner, Danielle Doucette. First girl I ever kissed. It was at like a school dance in 8th grade. She has on an orange and white tye-died tank top. I don't remember the song we were dancing to. Probably "Dream Weaver." Pretty sure I had Hammer pants on.
Oh shit, speaking of girls, I'd be lying if I didn't say I looked this one up pretty quickly after staring at my own faded youth and beauty for about two hours. I had the hugest crush on Heather Wilkinson during and after high school forever. Does she read this blog by any chance? Wait, does my wife? Just kidding if so. PS, that note in there about "3-way with Luke & Nat" is definitely not what it sounds like unfortunately. OK, this is getting kind of creepy, let's move on.
You guys are so funny.
Jesus, all of our clothes were so big back then. Hey, there's Stevo. He does some design stuff for me on this blog sometimes. Thanks dude! And my man Bairdo. He writes funny stuff.
Eh, who cares about any of this anymore I guess. See what I meant about the boring trudge through someone else's disappointing life? I think maybe the best part is the little insert they had in the back, kind of like a recap of the buzziest news items of the year. Let's go remember the 9tz for a second.
OK, let's see, if I'm reading this right, a bus almost fell off a thing, but a soccer guy couldn't stop it. Everyone remembers that.
Then they got fried chicken in China, which was a pivotal moment in any high schooler's life in the nineties.
This guy chopped everyone's heads off as I recall.
What else...? People dyed their hair with Kool Aid I guess, but definitely not me so it could be the same color as Angela's in My So Called Life. That 100% did not happen. Also snowboarding was invented I guess? Oh shit! Look at this one:
THIS IS LITERALLY THE MOST 9TZ THING I HAVE EVER SEEN!
MUSIC WAS SO MUCH MORE AUTHENTIC AND REAL BACK THEN.
Alright, there you go, every single thing that ever happened in the nineties. I gotta go, this is my own stupid life and I'm already zoning out.