‘The Full House jpeg of Dorian Gray’, 43 Images That Will Make You Feel Old

Are you old? Hard to say sometimes. Fortunately, we have Buzzfeed to monetize that information for us in a series of images that settle the question of your temporal condition. Just look at all these stunning simpletons who had no clue what their own specific age was until they scanned a listicle on the internet called 43 things that will make you feel old. It was a series of pop culture references they remembered from the ’90s: floppy disks, Titanic,Reading Rainbow, images which amounted, in whole, to a sort of The Full House jpeg of Dorian Gray.

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The visitor could see no change in any of the faces on the post, save in the author profile of Matt Stopera. In his eyes there was a look of cunning and in the mouth the curved wrinkle of the hypocrite. The thing was still loathsome—more loathsome, if possible, than before—and the scarlet dew that spotted his aggregating eyes seemed brighter, and more like blood newly spilled. The Buzzfeed fan trembled. Had it been merely vanity that had made them click on this link? Or the desire for a new sensation, as their friends on Facebook who shared the post had hinted, with their RTs?  Or that passion to act a part that sometimes makes us do things baser than we are ourselves? Or, perhaps, all these?

Read the rest. 

George Takei Is Ruining the Internet One Awful Meme at a Time

With 4,072,385 fans on Facebook, and 659,475 Twitter followers, George Takei, the 75-year-old former Star Trek actor is one of the most beloved people on the internet. Even more impressive than those numbers are the rate at which his material is shared; it’s not unusual for something he posts to amass tens, even hundreds of thousands of likes. Further, the gay rights advocate has done a lot of good work spreading awareness of this important issue, particularly among the sci-fi and genre nerd demographics. He’s also pushed for years for recognition of the civil rights violations Japanese Americans suffered through during World War II. He himself was held prisoner in a camp for four years with his family. In short, he’s a great dude, sort of the lovable gay grandfather from space we all wish we had. Isn’t that nice?

The only problem is that grandfathers are corny as fuck, and instead of shunting him off to the nursing home like we do with our real life ones, only wheeling them out every couple of months for a holiday get-together where we promptly ignore them and their bad jokes, Takei’s blathering is constantly pushed around the internet into our faces by the least funny people we know. It wouldn’t be so bad if Takei was simply telling bad jokes, but his embarrassingly goofy deluge of puns, animal pictures, and image macros constitute the Borgesian aleph of shit-encrusted internet mediocrity spear-headed by the unholy trinity of all-encompassing nothingness whose throne he squats over alongside Buzzfeed and The Oatmeal.

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12 Shocking False Flags From the 90s and Other Times In History That Will Surprise You

1. The sinking of U.S. ship The Maine in 1898 was widely rumored to have been perpetrated by the American government as a pretext for going to war with Spain.

2. Looks like a real American flag, but upon closer inspection this is a mural painted on a wall. Busted.

Read the rest at Feed Buzz

STOP TALKING POLITICS AT THE BAR (PTSOTL re-runs)

I was just thinking about how the only people who care about winning arguments are invariably the biggest fucking losers you know. That's not a coincidence. It reminded me of this old Street Carnage bit I did, which, speaking of conservative shitheads... 

You will never, ever, no matter how pithy the one-liners you’ve been practicing in message board arguments and how shit-eatingly confident your approach, convince someone of the opposite political opinion that they are wrong. About anything. No matter what. Ted Kennedy himself could descend from the heavens riding a chariot made of welfare checks and buy a round of Cape Codders for the bar and the conservative baby you’re talking to who is scared of the browns stealing his money and aborting him in the ass still wouldn’t change his mind. Same rules apply for the opposite end of the political spectrum (replace Teddy with Reagan and Cape Codders with moonshine and baby formula)

No More Fake News! An earnest argument against satire

Did you hear the one about the racist NRA president? You probably did if you've been on Facebook or Twitter in the last forty-eight hours. A widely shared article from the website the Free Wood Post headlined, “NRA President Jim Porter: ‘It’s Only A Matter Of Time Before We Can Own Colored People Again,’” has been making the rounds (44,490 shares and 66,000 likes on Facebook), and rightfully so. It's an inflammatory, attention-grabbing hook that plays right into the stereotype liberals have about the people who join the NRA. The only problem here is it's obviously fake, which anyone who spent more than thirty seconds reading the article should have surmised. Even worse, the obvious fakery, so easily forgotten once you get the not-so-subtle gag, has gotten much more attention than the actually creepy things that Porter has really said about the Civil War.

Read the rest at The New Republic. 

3 Women Missing for a Decade Found in Cleveland, World Laughs At Rescuer

 

On Monday afternoon, three Ohio women who had been missing for ten or more years, Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus, and Michelle Knight, were discovered when Berry managed to call police to report she was alive and being held prisoner. The owner of the home, Ariel Castro, was arrested. It’s a horrifying story, and one where there are still many questions to be answered. The home where they were being held is said to be within a few miles of where Berry went missing, in what became a high profile case in the city for years. But who cares about any of that, because we’ve got a quotable African American on the local news to make good sport of. Let’s all have a laugh, shall we, at one Mr. Charles Ramsey, who came to the aid of the women when he noticed Berry screaming from within the home. 

Read the rest.

11 ‘Only In New York City’ Ways You Know You’re a Person In New York City

NEW YORK CITY! The Big Apple! If you can make it here you can make it anywhere, they say. Concrete jungle where dreams are made of, they say. The hub of the universe! It’s the greatest city on earth, and you won’t find anything else like it, no matter how many others 1s of cities you live in before you move here. With all due respect to Buzzfeed’s 23 Signs You’ve Lived in New York City Too Long, which we’ve already StumbleUpon’d and shared on Google+, we’d like to offer up our own list of 11 ‘Only In New York City’ Ways You Know You’re a Person in New York City.

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"Boston (You're My Home)" Song Hits New Lows For #BostonStrong Personal Branding Opportunism

Missed your chance to score tickets for the Boston Strong concert at the Garden when they sold out in five minutes today? As a consolation let's all go listen to this new track "Boston (You're My Home)" by Kenzie, which, like most of the best hip hop usually does, tells the mayor what a good job he did in the lyrics while auto-tuning the president saying inspirational things. 

 

As one of the commenters on the YouTube page puts it: "Totally speechless and in tears." 

Me too.

Let's All Go Watch a Clip From 'Teen Mom' Farrah Abraham's Sex Tape Why Not NSFW

"Milf" + "teen" are two of the most searched terms on porn sites around the world, but it's rare that we get to witness the brilliant marketing synergy at work of bringing those two disembodied jerk-off fantasies together into one sentient humanoid. In this case, that's Farrah Abraham, from some show about being a teen and also a mom, I guess. Mostly sentient anyway, as this first clip from Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom illustrates. In the video Abraham engages in all manner of fornication with adult film star James Deen, and it feels exactly as authentic as you'd imagine the Frankenstein-like wedding of reality TV and reality porn would be. Check it out! My favorite part was where we got to watch her go take a dump while telling Deen to get ready for anal when she's back. Hot.

Here's Why Bros Care About Gay Athletes in the Locker Room

The biggest story of the week, and in sports in the past couple months, came yesterday with veteran NBA player Jason Collins announcing, at age 34, that he is gay. Almost instantly after the news we began dissecting the minutiae of the story, because that’s what we do now. Did he come out too late? critics asked. Was it all just a marketing stunt? the worst people you can imagine opined on message boards. Would it have been more meaningful if he were a star at the top of his game? others offered. If Collins was really, gay, why didn’t the FBI know about it ahead of time!? OPEN YOUR EYES PEOPLE. someone on InfoWars is probably saying right now.

And what about the fact that he isn’t even the first famous athlete to come out as homosexual? Why is he getting so much attention? I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume since you’re reading the website of a New York City-based fashion and arts magazine that most of the controversy around someone coming out seems ridiculous on its face to you, as it should. So what are the sports fans of the world complaining about? Besides hilariously bigoted projections of their Christian values, that is?

Read the rest at Bullett.