I couldn't trick anyone into writing anything else for extremely minor internet notoriety today, and the seratonin levels are dangerously low in my flaccid hate boner, so I asked my network of heathens and ne'er-do-wells to inspire me with what they're h8ing on today. Most of it was boring. But then I realized maybe the trick had worked after all! And that I could simply post what they said and that would be like a whole thing on its own! You've done it again, O'Neil, you shifty bastard. So here goes, nerds. Eat your medicine.
Fair warning, this is so long and boring even I didn't read it, and I wrote the thing.
- Aaron wrote: "People who feel they have the right of way because they have a bigger umbrella when it's raining."
Very true. We already covered that a long time back on here, in this old gem Preemptive and Incorrect Umbrella Useage. "You know who else can manage to walk down the street without bumping into people every five seconds? Blind people."
- Shaighla wrote: "You can write a hateful post about the girl with the furry boots that I just put up."
I would totally love to, but I can't even begin to understand why this is a bad thing, on account of having a penis.
- Stephanie wrote: "dwarf tossing seems to be inciting a lot of ire today."
It has been indeed, and for good reason, ever since our man Peter Dinklage, aka The Dink, aka Tyrion Lannister from HBO's Game of Thrones gave a shout out to one Martin Henderson on the Golden Globes on Sunday night.
Martin Henderson is a 37-year-old aspiring actor who was thrown to the ground by an assailant outside a bar in England, according to the Daily Telegraph. The assault, allegedly inspired by a “dwarf tossing” competition, left Henderson with a fractured arm and issues with standing, he told the Telegraph. He may be permanently confined to a wheelchair. WP
I like jokes about dwarves because there's nothing funnier than when one person is taller or shorter than another person. That rarely happens in the world, so be on the lookout for any opportunity you get to make sure everyone knows you're aware of how size works. That shit is on the List's original charter I think. (SEE ALSO: Some people are tall, while other people are short)
- Colleen wrote: "You could write about rich people ruining the lives of the common man in Ireland. The grass may be greener, but ya still lose your house thanks to Sean Quinn."
That sounds like a whole thing looking up who that guy actually is. Ok, fine, I'll look. Apparently he was Ireland's richest person at one point, and now he's bankrupt. This Huffington Post article, which there is no way I'm going to actually read, probably explains why that's a thing. This is good because rich people are all, 100%, without exception, evil motherfuckers. Not even trying to be funny saying that, which is a slight change of pace from everything else I've ever written on here that wasn't funny simply out of poor execution.
- Jeff wrote: Yes! Put Ireland on the List!
- Pete wrote: "everything will seem lackluster after that Olive Garden business"
Sad but true I guess. Someone write a really shitty article for me to read so I can feel better/worse about my career as a hack. Thanks in advance. (SEE ALSO: Olive Garden arrives! Simultaneously the saddest and lulziest news story I've ever read)
- Barry wrote: "there's a band called Crazy Crazy Awesome Awesome. You should listen to them if you utterly loathe yourself."
I do! Oh. Oh, now we're getting close to the sweet spot. This is genuinely awful. Bands like this "somehow manage to give crunkcore a bad name, something that's not very easy to do because that's already the worst genre in history of genres." (SEE ALSO: Five musical genres you don't know but already hate; Brokencyde: Music is over ; The shittiest piece of shit songs of the shitty year 2011)
- Jenny wrote: "Here, hate the shit out of this article "What is it like to be asexual?" I used it in German as a debate point for my students today. They hated all fucking over this bitch."
Oh wow, look at this important new trend of people who don't really feel like having sex. Sounds like our wives, right fellas!? [FART HORN]. This is pretty hateable stuff actually, we may have a winner here.
Twenty-one-year-old Jenni Goodchild does not experience sexual attraction, but in an increasingly sexualised society what is it like to be asexual?...
"[Romantic asexuals] don't experience sexual attraction, but they do experience romantic attraction. So they will look at someone and they won't respond sexually to them, but they might want to get closer to them, to find out more about them, to share things with them."
This is true of Jenni who is heteroromantic, and although having no interest in sex, is still attracted to people, and is in a relationship with 22-year-old Tim. Tim, however, is not asexual.
So the BBC basically just wrote a 1,000 word article about a guy with blue balls. The News.
- Marc wrote: "Since we're on the topic of boners, why don't you write about Boners BBQ i Atlanta?"
Been planning on doing something bigger on this story Boners BBQ Cries ‘Yelp!’ After Feeling Heat For Bad Review of Customer, maybe for a place where I actually earn money for thinking about something for more than the ten seconds that passes for planning around here. (Always a sucker for a goofy headline pun too, so good work on that one ABC News).
Here's the deal, a place called Boners BBQ in Atlanta (no shit? Atlanta?) called out a bitchy customer after she wrote a whiny Yelp review, therefor making themselves the heroes of restauranteurs everywhere for about a day until they realized they were siding with a place that sounds like it polishes the silverwear with a combination of buffalo saunce and man juice. (SEE ALSO: How to be a bad restaurant customer ; Cool Yelp story, bro. No one cares ; PTSOTL: Yelp)
- Robert wrote: "the captain schettino / italian coast guard exchange reads like some top shelf Bulgakov dialogue....missing only the latter's insistence that schettino stop playing the fool, etc.
This seems like it would be a good opportunity for me to write something about Bulgakov, to remind everyone that I have read a lot of Russian literature and am therefor more soulful, sad, and intellectual than the rest of you, but on the other hand: trying. Also I've been avoiding that whole cruise ship disaster thing because I don't want it to taint my memories of the best cruise ship voyage ever: Russia: still fucking insane | abortion rock, children's nightclubs ; Real life Russian Barbie Doll is a metaphor; The most Russian thing I've ever seen)
- Ilya suggested this video:
I've been pretty annoyed with the whole Lana Del Ray post-SNL backlash. "Glad we all finally have a chance to teach the music biz a lesson by piling on Lana Del Ray, the first person to ever adopt a persona," I wrote on Twitter. But then I was like "Yesterday I was so annoyed at all the hating on Lana Del Ray. Today it almost seems like it's an unimportant thing to worry about." So now I don't know what to think.
- thats what im sayin, check out the hook on that song
I think I will. OK, it's not too terrible and not too good. I have heard worse songs. Good day.
- Craig wrote: "Paula Deen diabetes?"
This story sounds like it has all the stuff I usually go for, like making fun of fat people, and southern people, and southern fat people, but I haven't really read up on it because it seemed like there were already going to be a thousand jokes about poetic justice for all the millions of people she's probably given the dia-beat-us too, and I am nothing if not a stickler for fresh, brand new jokes you've never heard before. Same thing for this one:
- Erik wrote: Dude, how about the "Shit ______s say" movement. That shit needs to end.
I bounced back and forth on that one for a while the past couple days, because I do love it when a new meme comes around. It's like you take one thing, then change the thing that was the main thing of it into another similar thing and now you have yourself a whole new thing! But then everyone else got mad at it, and I was like :/ This seems like it's in good hands elsewhere.
- Nicole wrote: "Keith had a good one today....he hates hipsters"
Still? That sounds exhausting. I wrote about this once way back in 2009 in Hating Hipsters. Still
OK, first of all: hating things. Second of all: no you don't.
I think what you're doing here is replacing the part for the whole. It's a common practice poets (Poets.) call metaphor and perverts who can't jerk off without sniffing vinegary sock pubes call a fetish (Fetishes.).
You don't hate hipsters, what you hate are assholes. You don't hate someone because of their haircut, you hate them because of the smug, shit eating grin floating underneath it. Or because you don't like the way that they hate things different than you hate things. You know, tangible, important shit...
- Jeff wrote: "Spider monkeys. They fucking suck."
I guess so?
- "And fwiw... this all sounds like its time for the book deal before your wasted years go wasted
Very true. Someone call me with some money. Email me actually, I don't feel like talking to anyone.
- Nate wrote: "You used to be so funny."
- Nick wrote: "Obama is going to speak from the magic kingdom in disneyworld on thursday, on main st usa...theres something there but I dont know what"
How about every single part of it?
- Michael wrote: "Bed, Bath & Beyond had to recall radioactive tissue dispensers"
So they did. I'm probably not going to ever know anything more about that story though, but feel free to go read it everyone. It's your life.
- Aaron wrote: "another installment in your ongoing dubstep series?"
I literally have nothing left to say about dubstep. (SEE ALSO: Americans are homophobic, therefore Skrillex)
- Ashley wrote: "This guy. And check out all of his other videos. he is undoubtedly going to be famous for being a moron."
I already wrote about that guy, if by "writing about him" you mean "being him" the other night, which is how we got ourselves into this shitty lack of motivation mood in the first place. Oh wait, this guy. This guy. He even gets to the part where he starts singing Cindi Lauper songs. Are we sure this isn't actually me?
And speaking of famous for being a moron, here are some tweets from the other day that you ingrates slept on:
LOL@ these sauna squatters 'working out.' If sweating in a small, hot box were exercise, chicken wings would have 6packs. So would my dick.