As you know, we get a little salty about shitty blog posts about Boston around here. We also know a thing or two about the bars of Boston, not to mention the fine city's many species of douche fauna. So imagine our excitement when this list of the 25 Douchiest Bars in Boston came out today at Complex. I'd already tied the table cloth around my neck like a bib and was ready to dig into what was sure to be a clueless turd of a listicle tossed off by some noob who'd been to like ten bars in Faneuil Hall and called herself an expert before I even opened the page, but woops -- and I'm not sure if I'm disappointed or happy to say this -- it's actually a pretty solid list. It spans a decently wide range of neighborhoods (except, you know, obviously not the "bad" ones, because college-aged people don't know they exist), although it does lean a little heavily on guido night clubs and sporty frat douche bars. I never thought I'd ever hear myself say this, but I could've gone for a few more hipster jokes in here. (What the fuck is wrong with me today?) Also could've used a sprinkling of the snooty cocktail douche sub-species in there, or anywhere that a blue collar person might ever go in a million years as well, but this is a fine place to start for people looking for a list of bars to avoid here.
It's also important to keep in mind that when you're a douche yourself, as so many of you are, the easiest way to find the douchiest bar in any given city is to just show up, and then there you are.
Boston may be small but the range of douchebags is surprisingly vast. In a city overrun by college kids and rowdy sports fans, douchiness comes naturally. The term "Masshole" encompasses so much shittiness, so much repellent behavior, that we had to document all of it. And the easiest way is to spotlight the places where these people drink.
Townie douches, rich douches, college douches (and the special subcategory, underage college douches), old douches, and of course the douchey staff members who keep these douchey establishments up and running—let's take a minute to thank them all.
UPDATE: I was pretty confused about how there could be someone funny who actually seemed to know about the Boston bar scene enough to write about it that I had never heard of. This Kim Westerley sounds fake, I thought. Turns out I was right. A friend of mine wrote this, whose name I'm not going to share. Wait, why didn't you want your name on it, I asked her. THIS IS INTERNET BUZZ GOLD. Apparently on some of the other installments of the Douchiest Bars in other cities, the authors got trolled pretty bad. Come on, I said, that's a total wimp move. What's a little trolling? Then I saw this, which, of course this, from the literal king of the Boston douches, El Pres on Bar Stool Sports:
So this article is kind of going viral right now. Boston’s 25 douchiest bars according to some chick Kim Westerley from Complex Magazine. I’m guessing she is in college or just graduated. Anybody got a picture of this broad? I feel like that will give some context to this article. She strikes me as a borderline hot chick who never gets attention from guys, but goes to popular bars and then says they suck because nobody bought her a drink. That’s the vibe I got from this list. There is just no rhyme or reason to the places she picked or why she says they are douchy.
So good call after all, nameless friend. Your Facebook photos would currently be all over the internet right now with an army of fat bro douches rating your tits/10.