Are homophobes actually self-hating gays? That's long been the suspicion among anyone with, what do you call 'em, eyes and ears. A new study, detailed in the New York Times recently, and summarized here in Slate by my homeboy Dan Engber, seems to suggest that there may be a scientific basis for the belief that the only thing gayer than being gay (and Christmas) is really, really letting everyone else know that you're totally not gay. Did we really need a scientific study to prove that?
Both here and hence pursue me lasting strife,
If once I be a homophobe, ever I be a homo!
Player Bro's Bro:
'Tis deeply sworn and you KILLED IT. Sweet, leave me here a while,
My buzz grow dull, and fain I would beguile
The tedious day with pussy and bitches. [fist bump]
Sleep rock thy brain,
And never come sweet, sweet gay sex between us twain!
Brosephs, how like you this play?
The bro doth protest too much, methinks.
Engber seems to doubt that the findings of the study actually prove what they set out to do in a convincing fashion. At least I think that's what he's saying -- the whole thing got a little, uh, "science" for me there toward the end.
Without more compelling laboratory data or more explicitly sexual test stimuli, it's hard to argue that the Rochester study demonstrates anything about secret homosexual urges. There's a much simpler interpretation at hand: College freshmen who claim to be nervous around gay people are probably a little nervous around gay people. And college freshmen who call themselves gay are probably somewhat gay.
All of which is great and fascinating and whatever, but what I came here to do today was point out to you the funniest, and surprisingly the most accurate, turn of phrase I've seen in a long time, where Engber refers to the concept behind the study as the "he-who-smelt-it-dealt-it theory of sexuality." LOL.
For at least 15 years, scientists have been trying to use objective laboratory measures to prove the he-who-smelt-it-dealt-it theory of human sexuality. Has a research team based at the University of Rochester finally done it? The new study works like an elaborate game of "homo say what?": Evidence of private, homosexual urges is elicited by subtle verbal cues.
That sentence just gave me a boner. I measured it with my pants. Someone give me a grant to study comedy.