Evan Kenney doesn't like the new Loutallica record. Read more from him on this site here. Listen to his band, Bodega Girls, which is better than Metallica and Lou Reed combined (OK, not including their good stuff) here.
There you are, walking down Bedford Ave., right near that place that sells eight dollar bagels next to the other place that sells eight dollar bagels, and there is a wall splattered with posters of a certain aging rocker looking hard in a “Supreme” shirt. You take a drag from your e-cigareet and say to yourself, “Word, that’s kewl. That’s the dude from VU, word up.” Then you go and probably score some blow ala the 'waiting for your mans' and get ready to see James Blake perform.
At the Jimmy Blake show, right before the juggalo-step shit starts to rattle the speakers, you think back to that image from earlier of the old weirdo rocking some seriously swole streetwear gear and think, “Actually, that dude has made some serious shit music over the past few years. Not kewl, brah.” You then give yourself an inside high-five and let the music that you forked over $28 plus charges for take over your soul.
After the show you head back to your buddy’s apartment/dungeon. A serious rager is going on while “Master Of Puppets” is crudely booming from some measly little iPod dock. It rules hard, and you think about how good the band is. However, the blow wears off and there you are with this image in your head of what that band has become:
Let’s call a spade a spade, people, Metallica and Lou Reed both suck now, and they both suck on their own. Only a vengeful Lord, a Lord who would give us earthquakes in NYC, tornadoes in Chicopee, MA, and an over-abundance of Big Momma’s House movies would allow these two notoriously terrible acts to (spit take) “collaborate.”
(Cue the sound of lightning crashing)
About a week and a half ago, Spin Magazine released a song from the upcoming “Loutallica” record, which sounds eerily like my high school band “Snack Pack” if my grandpa was on lead vox. It is terrible. It is absolute shit. It’s like the audio version of getting kicked in the balls while simultaneously finding out that your girlfriend is cheating on you with Carrot Top. Have a listen.
For starters, the song is called “The View.” At first, I was all, “Word up, a song about Whoopi Goldberg’s estrogen-fuled talk show? I am in, dawg.”
Nope. The “band” said the songs on the album were inspired by German writer Frank Wedekind's turn-of-the-1900’s blah blah blah blah’s (fart noise), but it seems to be more about the idea of a bunch of uncool dudes trying to shove as many limp penises as they can at once into the dry gaping vagina that is the dying record industry. Also, in the words of Randy Jackson, “It’s a little pitchy, dawg.”
When I hear this song, I think of that dude Don McLean singing about “the day the music died.” I hate that song, but that dude was the Nostradamus of this shit. Loutallica has murdered music. Way to go, assholes. Everyone hates you now.