|Wait a minute, this was a real advertisement?|
Call me a narc, but I happen to think that children and teenagers pouring fermented plant poison on their retarded little unformed brains is gross. I'm just traditional that way. I actually didn't get drunk until I was like twenty years old. I think it was a TGI Friday's frozen mudslide mix this one bro was whipping up in his dorm room. Totally sick party that night. I
finger-blasted like seven different chicks played tons of Mario Kart alone in my room after. I didn't turn out so bad though, right? Look at me now. People pay me to get drunk. Never give up on your dreazzzzzzzzzzz.....
But guess who is going to keep trying to get wasted despite what your mother and I have been trying to tell you all these years? Pretty much every kid ever. That's why all the hand-wringing over alcoholic beverages that are supposedly marketed toward kids is a goofy waste of time. Remember when we banned Four Loko, then no one ever got drunk again?
Now there's a new fruit juice demon on the shelves called Blast, from Colt 45, who are clearly not thinking about the future of America's brightest bla bla bla.
The makers of Colt 45 malt liquor have stirred up a controversy with their new beverage that some fear will encourage kids to drink.
Blast is a fruity new blend boasting twice the alcohol as Pabst Brewing Co.'s original malt liquor.
The drink in a colorful 23.5-ounce can resembles soda pop but has an alcohol content of 12%, more potent than a typical can of beer.
"Colt 45 makers are raising the alcohol level from the already high 6% to the even higher 12%, and enticing young people with hip hop themes and lollipop flavors," said Paul Porter of Industry Ears, a think tank that promotes justice in the media. CNN
How do I apply for that bullshit sounding job, by the way? A think tank that promotes justice in the media. A think tank that promotes justice in the media. A think tank that promotes justice in the media.
A think tank that promotes justice in the media.
Unsurprisingly, a bunch of grandstanding politicians are trying to prove to the world how much they care. "Seventeen state attorneys general are urging Pabst Brewing Co. to stop marketing to young drinkers and halt production of a new malt beverage promoted by rapper Snoop Dogg," a famous black guy, CNN reports. I know a thing or two about the urban market, because, true story, last night a 19 year OFWGKTA looking kid told me my tattoos were, and I'm quoting here, *shuffles through stack of papers* "too swag." It was a proud moment for all of us.
Porter, the guy with the fake job, goes on to say "Colt 45 makers are raising the alcohol level from the already high 6% to the even higher 12%, and enticing young people with hip hop themes and lollipop flavors."
You know what teenagers love? Lollipops. At least if some of the videos I watch on PornHub are any indication. Also forty year old rappers. The kids I know won't stop talking about Snoop Dogg all the time. Snoop Dogg this, Snoop Dogg that.
I wasn't sure what to think about any of this, so I did what I normally do when I'm confused: I asked a racist internet commenter to sum it up for me.
I love the line about luring kids with "hip hop and lollipop flavors." Um, get the fuck over it people, they are marketing to blacks, not kids. Snoop? Uh, he is black, not 12. Shitty candy flavors? Have you seen what they drink? Grape drink and orange soda. I know, bc I see those empty little plastic containers with the tin foil covers scattered about the sidewalk outside the Bromley-Heath projects every fucking day. Can't wait till I have to kick a Blast can out of my way as I walk home from my underpaying job, of which helps allow said persons to continue to sit on their ass and litter the street.